So despite the ‘Rona’s best efforts, I finally got my bachelor party. It was just something like 865 days late.

I’d known for months that the party would consist of one big surprise, a visit to the legendary Mütter Museum of medical oddities in Philadelphia, and then a super fancy / expensive Japanese dinner at Morimoto’s. And I had my suspicions that the surprise would be skydiving for two reasons:

• I’d mentioned once or twice to my best man, Zack, that I’d like to do it someday and he’d expressed interest as well
• One of the groomsmen who couldn’t make the weekend said that, “one of the activities planned would cause me to throw up.” HMM! Though he could have just been talking about the Mütter Museum’s infamous GIANT MEGACOLON on display along with a thousand other weird things in jars, my Spider-Sense was telling me that there was more to this. (Insert stroking chin emoji here.)

I flew up to Pennsylvania on a Friday afternoon and stayed at TOP MAN Zack‘s house. The rest of the groomsmen trickled in except for Pluckman, who was playing in a show that night and would meet us in Philly before the Museum. On the day of the party, we woke up early and were out the door before 8:00 courtesy of a limo driver who had been fully briefed on the surprise and played it super coy. We piled in and while I still suspected skydiving, two things were starting to throw me off:

• We took the Pennsylvania Turnpike to I-76 as if we were going into downtown Philadelphia. OBVIOUSLY there are no airfields inside the city proper and I figured that if we were going to one, it would be in PA to the west of the city.
• Jesse had on sandals, which OBVIOUSLY no one would wear if they were planning to jump out of a plane

But both of those misdirections (intentional or not) fell apart once we passed through the city and into New Jersey, arriving at Skydive Cross Keys a little before 10:00. And the only people who would be jumping were Zack, Luke, and me. Jesse, Josh, and Paul would be watching from the ground (which answered the question about the sandals. A-HA!). Zack told me that I had the option to bail on the whole thing if I didn’t want to go through it it, but nah, I was in! Jumping out of a plane was 100% on my bucket list and seeing how everyone went through all the trouble to get me there, LET’S GOOOOOO!

We watched a disclaimer video essentially saying that our odds of surviving are 29,999 out of 30,000 and either way, please don’t sue. We then filled out a ton of paperwork and waited around for over an hour on the spectator deck for our group to be called. During that time we chatted with a bunch of other divers after they came down in the large landing zone next to the deck. The tandem landings seemed pretty smooth but a few of the solos came in incredibly hot and only slowed up at the last possible moment. Some even skimmed the pond before coming to a stop on the grass (not what we’d be shooting for today).

While we were waiting, Josh, Jesse, and Paul went out for breakfast and coffee at Dunkin’ and still managed to make it back in time to eat before we were called. Having skipped breakfast and coffee that morning, I was tempted to ask them to get me something but as it turned out, it was definitely for the best that I ended up diving on an empty stomach.

Finally we were called and started our training in the main hangar. I met my high-energy videographer, Tyler*, who started recording an introduction and my thoughts on the jump as part of the video package. I think I seemed pretty calm about the whole thing but see for yourself.

*Or Taylor? I know it started with a T. Hey, there was a lot going on that day!

We also met our tandem partners and got suited up in our harnesses. The instructors showed us the approved ways of exiting the plane and what to do with our arms and legs along the way by simulating the fall onto a big cushioned spool in the hangar. Once we were clear on that, we walked over to one more shaded area by the runway for EVEN MORE WAITING. After about 20 minutes there, the plane was finished fueling and we started heading to it. This was pretty much the point of no return. We climbed up the stairs, being careful not to hit our heads, and sat down on one of two rail-like “seats” which ran lengthwise down the plane. We sat tightly packed in a row facing the rear with the pilot behind us.

A few minutes later, we had taken off and started to climb. Cross Keys brings people up to about 13,500 feet in order to get a full minute of free fall before pulling the chute. So we climbed and climbed, and this is when it started getting real. There was one big guy towards the back of the plane and he jumped out a few minutes ahead of anyone else (probably for some specialized certification or training). As we got closer to 13K feet, our tandem partners (Brian in my case) finished securing us together, gave me a few final instructions on what to do as we moved towards the exit, and told me to put on my glasses. The other instructors and jumpers were doing their last minute rituals, and there were fist bumps a plenty and one guy leading what looked like a small prayer while he held a short knotted rope.

And with that, the jump began. One of the guys in the rear opened up the door and within seconds, he was gone. As they exited, Brian and I sort of shimmied up the rail and I came to the door and looked down. My videographer was already JUST HANGING ONTO THE EXTERIOR OF THE PLANE and waiting for me to come out so that he could start getting pictures. At this point I went into what I’d describe as “armadillo” mode and locked up a bit. But that was cool with Brian since he had already told me that he’d be the one pushing us both out. And out we went!

We began our 120 MPH free fall and I probably yelled for that full first minute. Tyler was a little below us and already snapping and recording away. He grabbed my hand at one point so that he could sync up with us and get some more video, and I somewhat complied with that despite my mind being elsewhere. After what must have been the obligatory minute of free fall, Brian pulled the chute and I got a huge yank which would leave some bruises on my shoulders and chafing on my inner thighs for days to come.

Almost immediately after the chute opened, something very unexpected happened and I started getting EXTREMELY nauseous. It was weird since I’m never airsick or seasick but my stomach just wasn’t down with this, and it dawned on me that skipping breakfast that morning had been a fairly wise decision after all. Looking straight down made it worse but bringing my head up to stare at the horizon was slightly better. Over my shoulder Brian said he was going to start doing some spirals and I shouted back, “NO! No spirals! NO SPIRALS!” Around that time he was able to point out downtown Philadelphia (which was easy to see) along with Atlantic City and Cape May way off in the distance. He also motioned up towards Zack and Luke, who were still way up above us.

We continued drifting down and the nausea was getting worse. In my mind, I was 95% sure that I would be puking and that it would be landing on someone’s back deck in one of the innumerable housing developments below. I said to Brian that I thought I was going to throw up and he told me just to hang on and that he had about a minute left. But if I really had to, “just do it in your shirt.” (I.e. not on him, I guess?)

Thankfully things never progressed to that since we were indeed on the ground shortly after. With pinpoint precision, we touched down in the same landing field that we had been watching people land on earlier. I did my best to get my feet up as instructed and let him put his down first. In a few seconds, we were safely stopped and once our harnesses were fully detached, I staggered off to the side of the field and almost immediately my stomach realized where it was and returned to normal. Jesse, Josh, and Paul greeted me there and I gave them my first review of the day. Luke and Zack were on the ground moments later, clearly living their best lives.

And that’s all there is to jumping out of a plane! Am I glad that I went and super grateful to my tremendous groomsmen for making it happen? Absolutely! Would I do it again? Well… if it were someone else’s big day and I had the option of being part of it, then sure – I’ll skip breakfast and do another dive. But otherwise, I’ll stay inside perfectly good airplanes from now on, thanks.